Lurlene McDaniels

A few days ago, I embarked on the first journey with the Adolescent Book Club. Lurlene McDaniels. Anyone who has read these books will understand this post. An author that hit on tough topics - like child/young adult diseases, heartache, loss, grief, and then finding the strength and hope to continue to move forward. Impressive.

Three books. Three different types of loss. Three different emotional responses. Each brings back such a different set of memories - it would probably take me hours to blog about each one. However, I will tell you that I read Six Months to Live, Time to Let Go, and When Happily Ever After Ends.

When I opened the book Six Months To Live, I felt like I went back in time. I was suddenly 10 again, getting ready to crack the spine of a brand new book. I remember sitting under the tree in our yard on a blanket - my favorite place to read. Now, nineteen years later, I was sitting outside and ready to read about Dawn Rochelle. The book smelled different - like old gasoline and aged books. I smiled as I thought about the box that my mother had found in the shed of all the books I used to read when I was younger. Memories played across my mind like a movie reel.

I cracked the book open and was whirled into the world of young adults with cancer. Then, as the doctor in the book explained to Dawn that she had cancer, I felt the tears and emotion start to overwhelm me. When I was younger, cancer seemed like a distant tragedy. Now, after so many years, I am still overcome with emotion as I continued to read. Cancer has affected so many people in my life - and the emotion in the book threw me. I began to think of how my family members must have felt when each one of them learned s/he had cancer - and how I will never know how they felt about it, because sharing emotion isn't really done in my family. It seems odd that I am a member of this family - especially since I am such an emotional person. I had to read these books late at night, under the safety of my covers with a small pen light to keep from having my family hear me crying. I didn't want to let anyone know that I was emotional. Now, it's kind of difficult to hide - anyone who knows me understands that I am an emotional person. Crying is just one way to keep me balanced. Anyway, when I was younger, I remember thinking that I didn't have to worry about cancer - it wouldn't happen to anyone I knew. As time went by, I learned otherwise - but at the age of 10 when you are healthy and you see your family as healthy, you really don't think it will happen to you or anyone you know.

I finished When Happily Ever After Ends last night. This book tore at my heart again, but with different memories. These memories hurt. Sometimes you think you have things buried away, and then you read a book and everything comes flooding back. But it was a good experience. In the book, the father commits suicide. While I have never had to deal with this situation first hand, I do know what it's like to have someone you love leave you behind. Sometimes you wonder why they left or what motivated them to think differently about you and your family. The main character in the book felt the same way. Always asking why. And sometimes you never get an answer to that question. You have to decide whether to let the question consume you or to move on. Both the character and I moved on. Still, after so many years, I can't help but wonder why decisions were made, promises were never kept, and communication was lost. On some level, I know why. I was tired of being hurt. But I don't think I will ever understand the thinking that goes along with the leaving.

I thought after nineteen years, my feelings would be different. I didn't think I would react to the books in the same way. I didn't know that these three little books would give me so much to think about. Feelings I had buried along time ago have come back, but not in a negative way. I am so much stronger than I once was - and I don't hold any grudges to the ones who have left me behind. I did some leaving on my own as well.

I will say that these books are pretty much classic. And I would never go back and not read these books. In some way, they helped me deal with a lot of pent up anger, hurt, frustration - well, any emotion when I was younger. Through these stories, I discovered at a young age that I could find the strength and hope to move forward. And for that, I am truly grateful.